Saturday, July 30
yeay..can't wait.
she woke up to the alarm on her phone, this sound she has come to dread as much as the voice in her head that constantly told her she had to be better. every morning she'd go thru her routine, everyday it was the same. but this morning she lay still in bed, not in the usual hurry to get ready & freshen up for the coming day. this morning she lay in bed, covers pulled over her head, shielding her eyes from the blinding sun. she felt different this morning. mayb it was the weird dream she had of her neighbour dying. the recollection of him being carried out of his front gate. he wasnt a face she recognized, yet it disturbed her, even in her dream. "why," she thought couldnt be this be one of those dreams she would forget the minute she sat up in bed.
[cut to girl on couch, having cheese on toast & grapefruit juice.]
for some reason she didn't noe how to reply to this msg. she had done so before so many times. it had become a routine in a routine. one she welcomed, one that always comforted her. there was regularity, there was security. she would say how she felt, sometimes she'd make extra effort to be funny or witty. but as she looked at her screen, she could not think of a response. there was a void. she didnt want to be purposefully funny. or witty. or smart. she repeated the words to herself, trying to stir some emotion, trying to evoke some kind of a natural response. but nothing came to her. it seemed like that part of her had temporarily shut down. temporarily. for it couldnt be for an extended period of time. the consequences of that she could not begin to fathom.
a weariness began to creep over her. it wasnt physical yet her heartached & her head throbbed. "what to say, what to do.." she didnt understand why it suddenly seemed like such an arduous task when usually her fingers flew across the numbers, forming words, sentences, relentless paragraphs. but then she knew. that she was tired & drained. while she appreciated every word that popped up before her & knew there was absolute truth in them, she simply could not bring heself to reciprocate.
[cut to girl at study table]
so many things to do yet she found herself doing calculations & research. she recalled the promise - now broken."it's okay..it doesnt make a difference who does it." she told herself, half listening. for it wasn't the first time she found herself giving more than she could afford to. as much as she'd like to think of herself as big hearted & generous, her pockets werent that deep. truthfully she knew in her heart it wasn't anyone's fault. both parties were giving it their all. hence the conclusion "we have different standards." either that or she just didn't noe how to appreciate effort. that she was too self-indulgent, too self absorbed to see things any way else except her own. she knew that she never appreciated the right things. things that held real value. she thought she'd learnt but apparently not.
[cut to girl on bed]
she waits to hear the story. she likes listening to them. afterwhich she'll fall asleep & tomorrow will be different. not before she smiles to herself. because when i do it reminds me most of you. :) ¶ 9:10 PM
[cut to girl on couch, having cheese on toast & grapefruit juice.]
for some reason she didn't noe how to reply to this msg. she had done so before so many times. it had become a routine in a routine. one she welcomed, one that always comforted her. there was regularity, there was security. she would say how she felt, sometimes she'd make extra effort to be funny or witty. but as she looked at her screen, she could not think of a response. there was a void. she didnt want to be purposefully funny. or witty. or smart. she repeated the words to herself, trying to stir some emotion, trying to evoke some kind of a natural response. but nothing came to her. it seemed like that part of her had temporarily shut down. temporarily. for it couldnt be for an extended period of time. the consequences of that she could not begin to fathom.
a weariness began to creep over her. it wasnt physical yet her heartached & her head throbbed. "what to say, what to do.." she didnt understand why it suddenly seemed like such an arduous task when usually her fingers flew across the numbers, forming words, sentences, relentless paragraphs. but then she knew. that she was tired & drained. while she appreciated every word that popped up before her & knew there was absolute truth in them, she simply could not bring heself to reciprocate.
[cut to girl at study table]
so many things to do yet she found herself doing calculations & research. she recalled the promise - now broken."it's okay..it doesnt make a difference who does it." she told herself, half listening. for it wasn't the first time she found herself giving more than she could afford to. as much as she'd like to think of herself as big hearted & generous, her pockets werent that deep. truthfully she knew in her heart it wasn't anyone's fault. both parties were giving it their all. hence the conclusion "we have different standards." either that or she just didn't noe how to appreciate effort. that she was too self-indulgent, too self absorbed to see things any way else except her own. she knew that she never appreciated the right things. things that held real value. she thought she'd learnt but apparently not.
[cut to girl on bed]
she waits to hear the story. she likes listening to them. afterwhich she'll fall asleep & tomorrow will be different. not before she smiles to herself. because when i do it reminds me most of you. :) ¶ 9:10 PM
