belle du jour
Saturday, July 30
yeay..can't wait.
she woke up to the alarm on her phone, this sound she has come to dread as much as the voice in her head that constantly told her she had to be better. every morning she'd go thru her routine, everyday it was the same. but this morning she lay still in bed, not in the usual hurry to get ready & freshen up for the coming day. this morning she lay in bed, covers pulled over her head, shielding her eyes from the blinding sun. she felt different this morning. mayb it was the weird dream she had of her neighbour dying. the recollection of him being carried out of his front gate. he wasnt a face she recognized, yet it disturbed her, even in her dream. "why," she thought couldnt be this be one of those dreams she would forget the minute she sat up in bed.
[cut to girl on couch, having cheese on toast & grapefruit juice.]
for some reason she didn't noe how to reply to this msg. she had done so before so many times. it had become a routine in a routine. one she welcomed, one that always comforted her. there was regularity, there was security. she would say how she felt, sometimes she'd make extra effort to be funny or witty. but as she looked at her screen, she could not think of a response. there was a void. she didnt want to be purposefully funny. or witty. or smart. she repeated the words to herself, trying to stir some emotion, trying to evoke some kind of a natural response. but nothing came to her. it seemed like that part of her had temporarily shut down. temporarily. for it couldnt be for an extended period of time. the consequences of that she could not begin to fathom.
a weariness began to creep over her. it wasnt physical yet her heartached & her head throbbed. "what to say, what to do.." she didnt understand why it suddenly seemed like such an arduous task when usually her fingers flew across the numbers, forming words, sentences, relentless paragraphs. but then she knew. that she was tired & drained. while she appreciated every word that popped up before her & knew there was absolute truth in them, she simply could not bring heself to reciprocate.
[cut to girl at study table]
so many things to do yet she found herself doing calculations & research. she recalled the promise - now broken."it's okay..it doesnt make a difference who does it." she told herself, half listening. for it wasn't the first time she found herself giving more than she could afford to. as much as she'd like to think of herself as big hearted & generous, her pockets werent that deep. truthfully she knew in her heart it wasn't anyone's fault. both parties were giving it their all. hence the conclusion "we have different standards." either that or she just didn't noe how to appreciate effort. that she was too self-indulgent, too self absorbed to see things any way else except her own. she knew that she never appreciated the right things. things that held real value. she thought she'd learnt but apparently not.
[cut to girl on bed]
she waits to hear the story. she likes listening to them. afterwhich she'll fall asleep & tomorrow will be different. not before she smiles to herself. because when i do it reminds me most of you. :) ¶ 9:10 PM 0 Comments
[cut to girl on couch, having cheese on toast & grapefruit juice.]
for some reason she didn't noe how to reply to this msg. she had done so before so many times. it had become a routine in a routine. one she welcomed, one that always comforted her. there was regularity, there was security. she would say how she felt, sometimes she'd make extra effort to be funny or witty. but as she looked at her screen, she could not think of a response. there was a void. she didnt want to be purposefully funny. or witty. or smart. she repeated the words to herself, trying to stir some emotion, trying to evoke some kind of a natural response. but nothing came to her. it seemed like that part of her had temporarily shut down. temporarily. for it couldnt be for an extended period of time. the consequences of that she could not begin to fathom.
a weariness began to creep over her. it wasnt physical yet her heartached & her head throbbed. "what to say, what to do.." she didnt understand why it suddenly seemed like such an arduous task when usually her fingers flew across the numbers, forming words, sentences, relentless paragraphs. but then she knew. that she was tired & drained. while she appreciated every word that popped up before her & knew there was absolute truth in them, she simply could not bring heself to reciprocate.
[cut to girl at study table]
so many things to do yet she found herself doing calculations & research. she recalled the promise - now broken."it's okay..it doesnt make a difference who does it." she told herself, half listening. for it wasn't the first time she found herself giving more than she could afford to. as much as she'd like to think of herself as big hearted & generous, her pockets werent that deep. truthfully she knew in her heart it wasn't anyone's fault. both parties were giving it their all. hence the conclusion "we have different standards." either that or she just didn't noe how to appreciate effort. that she was too self-indulgent, too self absorbed to see things any way else except her own. she knew that she never appreciated the right things. things that held real value. she thought she'd learnt but apparently not.
[cut to girl on bed]
she waits to hear the story. she likes listening to them. afterwhich she'll fall asleep & tomorrow will be different. not before she smiles to herself. because when i do it reminds me most of you. :) ¶ 9:10 PM 0 Comments
Friday, July 29
live life. eat meat. guzzle beer.
I live for You
All of my days belong to You
You draw me toYour tenderness,
You make me new
Into the secret place I will run
Where my heart can be free in the Grace that I found in You
Unto You Be all Glory and Praise
How my heart seeks Your Face
As I’m waiting on You
Only You Are my strength and my tower
Fill my life with Your Power
As I stand here in awe of You
I stand here in awe of You
*wonders how teppanyaki ish going* ;) wish i could be teppanyaki-ing too..am missing home much. i cant believe ive only been back, coming to 3 weeks. bah. all of a sudden i miss seoul garden. hahahaha..so sec school huh..but when the place first opened, i remm i was in sec school & we went quite often. hahaha. anyways. hope the "professional cooker" lived up to her title ;) much love to everybody... ¶ 8:43 PM 0 Comments
All of my days belong to You
You draw me toYour tenderness,
You make me new
Into the secret place I will run
Where my heart can be free in the Grace that I found in You
Unto You Be all Glory and Praise
How my heart seeks Your Face
As I’m waiting on You
Only You Are my strength and my tower
Fill my life with Your Power
As I stand here in awe of You
I stand here in awe of You
*wonders how teppanyaki ish going* ;) wish i could be teppanyaki-ing too..am missing home much. i cant believe ive only been back, coming to 3 weeks. bah. all of a sudden i miss seoul garden. hahahaha..so sec school huh..but when the place first opened, i remm i was in sec school & we went quite often. hahaha. anyways. hope the "professional cooker" lived up to her title ;) much love to everybody... ¶ 8:43 PM 0 Comments
Monday, July 25
one of those days..
there's that ONE kindda day. they dont come often. but when they do it, it's usually fairly intense & they stay for abit. am having that day right now. i've lived in this same area the past 4 yrs but i've never stopped to look. today while i was on the tram home, i thought i'd take some pics of what the weather is like right now. but then while i was posting them up i realized somethings i never did before, like that gigantic-flower-arrangement-sundial. it's really pretty & they change the flowers or sometimes they create words with the flowers if there's an event or an occasion. then there's the botanical gardens opposite my place. i do actually remember going there once tho. not jus run or drive ard it to get ard it. laine & i once decided to take a walk on the other side and we ended up on this side, closer to home. we rolled down the hills. again & again, scrambling up each time, racing each other to the top. haha. that was a good day. we walked home with grass stains on our clothes but couldnt care less.
ive come to accept the fact that im at that point in my life. i daresay this is only the first point so far. im not sure if there'll be others in the future. this point is truly life changing. the past 22 yrs have brought about changes but none as life altering. this point, isnt even a distinct point at all. but it's like now that im here, there's so much behind me & even more ahead. things that'll change my entire life.
things i've never come across before - will i recognize it before it's too late?
things no one can teach me how to handle - what if i make a mistake?
things that need so much strength & knowledge to get thru, ironically i noe it's only after i get thru it that i'll realize how much i've gained and learnt - what if i fall & dun pick myself up until it's to late?
these things i've seen others go thru. those before me. & while i've watched & sympathized, it's so different going thru it personally. though i have questions that go on & on. i'm sure of one thing. & it's possibly the most important of all. i have no need for fear of abandonment. i have no need for fear of failure. i have no need for fear of death or life.
"even there your hand will guide me, your strength will support me. If i try to hide in the darkness, the night becomes light around me" - psalm 139: 10-11. ¶ 9:54 PM 0 Comments
ive come to accept the fact that im at that point in my life. i daresay this is only the first point so far. im not sure if there'll be others in the future. this point is truly life changing. the past 22 yrs have brought about changes but none as life altering. this point, isnt even a distinct point at all. but it's like now that im here, there's so much behind me & even more ahead. things that'll change my entire life.
things i've never come across before - will i recognize it before it's too late?
things no one can teach me how to handle - what if i make a mistake?
things that need so much strength & knowledge to get thru, ironically i noe it's only after i get thru it that i'll realize how much i've gained and learnt - what if i fall & dun pick myself up until it's to late?
these things i've seen others go thru. those before me. & while i've watched & sympathized, it's so different going thru it personally. though i have questions that go on & on. i'm sure of one thing. & it's possibly the most important of all. i have no need for fear of abandonment. i have no need for fear of failure. i have no need for fear of death or life.
"even there your hand will guide me, your strength will support me. If i try to hide in the darkness, the night becomes light around me" - psalm 139: 10-11. ¶ 9:54 PM 0 Comments
Thursday, July 21
C me
hahaha. in a very interesting turn of events:
i went on the DBS website & looked at their internship prog. their criterias were -
1) excellent academic results. (me: nope!)
2) extensive extra-curricular activities (me: HAHAHAHAHA)
then i stopped looking & went to the KPMG website & looked there. was supposed to apply at their HR department but couldnt find one on the website. when i told mark he was like, oh..mayb i could try calling or emailing them.
THEN.
the genius - mark, totally impressed me by showing me 2 very important things -
1) he listens all the time, even tho i often ramble & digress.
2) he remembers what i say when i ramble & digress
he reminded me that i'd told him (prob in another of my grandmother stories) that my uncle was director of HR @ KPMG!!! hahahaha...i was like.."YAHHHH!!!"
so anyways. my mom called in the favour for me this morning & voila. i have an internship. wow. thank God.
ps: still need to email him my CV tho. bah. ¶ 9:00 PM 0 Comments
i went on the DBS website & looked at their internship prog. their criterias were -
1) excellent academic results. (me: nope!)
2) extensive extra-curricular activities (me: HAHAHAHAHA)
then i stopped looking & went to the KPMG website & looked there. was supposed to apply at their HR department but couldnt find one on the website. when i told mark he was like, oh..mayb i could try calling or emailing them.
THEN.
the genius - mark, totally impressed me by showing me 2 very important things -
1) he listens all the time, even tho i often ramble & digress.
2) he remembers what i say when i ramble & digress
he reminded me that i'd told him (prob in another of my grandmother stories) that my uncle was director of HR @ KPMG!!! hahahaha...i was like.."YAHHHH!!!"
so anyways. my mom called in the favour for me this morning & voila. i have an internship. wow. thank God.
ps: still need to email him my CV tho. bah. ¶ 9:00 PM 0 Comments
Wednesday, July 20
C this.
i do not like writing CVs.
i've only done one. & it's my very first one. it's shamelessly promoting oneself man. WAH LAU?!
& feel old now. *shudder* ¶ 9:53 PM 0 Comments
i've only done one. & it's my very first one. it's shamelessly promoting oneself man. WAH LAU?!
& feel old now. *shudder* ¶ 9:53 PM 0 Comments
Thursday, July 14
here is now.
after an uneventful flight (altho i did meet a dude called Aries & did not burst out laughing when he introduced himself..) & 3 straight days of waking up at 8am, stopping on the way for breakfast of red bull & being in lec by 9am..lasting all the way till 5pm, while chugging more red bull. then battling the cold & rain to get home - i've finally got time to rest.
tues morning i touched down, @ about 7am & jus wanted to get home & squeeze in an hr of sleep before class at 9am, i met the most irritating cabby ever. he conned me into waiting for him in the cab outside some motel near the airport saying he had to pick something up from a friend! little did i noe he knowingly misled me into sharing the cab with another passenger! & i only realized AFTER the other dude started loading HIS luggage into the trunk of the cab. bloody hell. i was so tired my feeble attempts to refuse were denied. thankfully the other passenger didnt wanna share either so after that, the ride home was uneventful.
i got home ard 7:30 & figured i should jus keep busy till 8am when i'd start getting ready to go to uni. from tues at 8:30 till now, i've not really had time to do anything cept stone infront of the tv during and after dinner. dinners ive had the past few days have been fairly sad. it's jus that ending class at 5pm means i really jus wanna go home & not have to lug groceries on public transport. on tues evening tho i somehow mustered enough strength to go buy food to tide me over till the week end when i can do proper grocery shopping.
having said that, things have been really good in class tho. i have 2 days of class left before i finish this subject!! imagine what's usually done in 12 weeks, im getting done in 5 days. not too bad i reckon. there's isnt an exam, jus a group presentation & an essay due - 12th sept!!! too cool. but i really dun wanna leave it till the last minute cause i wil have to keep up with the rest of the work when semester starts. so i endeavour to finish before sem starts - 25th july. *prays really hard* also being really optimistic about timetable. hopefully i can keep my classes till mid week, so when i wanna squeeze in those trips back home, i can prolong stay over the long weekend. ;)
anyhows, am gonna hit the sack early tonight. (am not used to getting into bed with cold sheets...gah) have bills to pay tmr morning. have to call the plumber as well, cause while i was away the water flow has been reduced to a trickle. not funny when all i wanna do is have a nice warm shower & get clothed. also may go to the gym tmr. & meet up with friends. then there's the farewell party for elaine tmr night. so i foresee tmr's gonna be another long day. *yawn* tired already jus talking about it. ¶ 7:54 PM 0 Comments
tues morning i touched down, @ about 7am & jus wanted to get home & squeeze in an hr of sleep before class at 9am, i met the most irritating cabby ever. he conned me into waiting for him in the cab outside some motel near the airport saying he had to pick something up from a friend! little did i noe he knowingly misled me into sharing the cab with another passenger! & i only realized AFTER the other dude started loading HIS luggage into the trunk of the cab. bloody hell. i was so tired my feeble attempts to refuse were denied. thankfully the other passenger didnt wanna share either so after that, the ride home was uneventful.
i got home ard 7:30 & figured i should jus keep busy till 8am when i'd start getting ready to go to uni. from tues at 8:30 till now, i've not really had time to do anything cept stone infront of the tv during and after dinner. dinners ive had the past few days have been fairly sad. it's jus that ending class at 5pm means i really jus wanna go home & not have to lug groceries on public transport. on tues evening tho i somehow mustered enough strength to go buy food to tide me over till the week end when i can do proper grocery shopping.
having said that, things have been really good in class tho. i have 2 days of class left before i finish this subject!! imagine what's usually done in 12 weeks, im getting done in 5 days. not too bad i reckon. there's isnt an exam, jus a group presentation & an essay due - 12th sept!!! too cool. but i really dun wanna leave it till the last minute cause i wil have to keep up with the rest of the work when semester starts. so i endeavour to finish before sem starts - 25th july. *prays really hard* also being really optimistic about timetable. hopefully i can keep my classes till mid week, so when i wanna squeeze in those trips back home, i can prolong stay over the long weekend. ;)
anyhows, am gonna hit the sack early tonight. (am not used to getting into bed with cold sheets...gah) have bills to pay tmr morning. have to call the plumber as well, cause while i was away the water flow has been reduced to a trickle. not funny when all i wanna do is have a nice warm shower & get clothed. also may go to the gym tmr. & meet up with friends. then there's the farewell party for elaine tmr night. so i foresee tmr's gonna be another long day. *yawn* tired already jus talking about it. ¶ 7:54 PM 0 Comments
Friday, July 8
overwhelmed
jus when i thought it couldnt get any better, i remembered it was friday already in melbourne. the day results'd be released. i checked not expecting them to be up yet but they were.
& i passed. everything. including quan methods. i wasnt expecting anything. in fact, i'd braced myself for the fall. but He didnt let me fall. i can continue my psych & crim major. im halfway thru my major. mayb this one time, i wont decide to fall off the bus mid-way. & jus give up like i always have. maybe this time i will understand what it means when they say the things we work for are the things we appreciate & treasure the most. maybe this time, i will finally finish something i started.
i really want this. for myself, for my future. i owe this to myself & especially to my parents who have supported me & helped me up thru all my failings. they who've never reprimanded or given up on me. they always believed i could do it more than i ever did. this one's for my mom & my dad.
He will carry me thru. ¶ 12:31 AM 0 Comments
& i passed. everything. including quan methods. i wasnt expecting anything. in fact, i'd braced myself for the fall. but He didnt let me fall. i can continue my psych & crim major. im halfway thru my major. mayb this one time, i wont decide to fall off the bus mid-way. & jus give up like i always have. maybe this time i will understand what it means when they say the things we work for are the things we appreciate & treasure the most. maybe this time, i will finally finish something i started.
i really want this. for myself, for my future. i owe this to myself & especially to my parents who have supported me & helped me up thru all my failings. they who've never reprimanded or given up on me. they always believed i could do it more than i ever did. this one's for my mom & my dad.
He will carry me thru. ¶ 12:31 AM 0 Comments
Tuesday, July 5
faithfulness
i have a flight for monday night.
jus like that He gave it to me. ¶ 12:20 PM 0 Comments
jus like that He gave it to me. ¶ 12:20 PM 0 Comments
Monday, July 4
mental post its
there are certain points in all my relationships where i get the "im not sure what happens next" thought. these are especially due to periods in time when the going gets tough. but then all it takes is a moment/little event/thought/talk/meeting to reverse the situation and then i think. it's all good. we havent lost it afterall. this came to me over the weekend. met up with my pri 6 classmates & when we all sat down and talked, it was great. tho the last time i spoke to any of them was months ago, when we got together it was totally relaxed & enjoyable & i realized these pple have not changed since they were 12. this weekend showed me many new things that never crossed my mind before. & im thankful for them all.
sharing during bible study on sat made me think. i noe He prompted me ask not for good results but for direction after, Regardless of the results. i felt this sense of serenity asking for faith & trust in His plans, rather than fretting over the results & i felt really really good after. i trust Him.
angel, congrats on the job. am super proud of you. :) *beams*
sam, im really happy that you're happy :) you'll be returning to him shortly, so dun fret over phonebills yet. heh.
jo, jacq, vic & grace thank you for partaking in super yummy dessert wine with me. :) hopefully there'll be another reason to get dressed up soon ;)
& You. you've jus been the best. thru everything :) & i appreciate everything - opening car doors, giving me & my friends rides, appeasing me when i get grumpy, waking up early so we get to share breakfast, holding my hand when i get weak, going out of your way to make sure everything's perfect for me. i love you. ¶ 12:31 AM 0 Comments
sharing during bible study on sat made me think. i noe He prompted me ask not for good results but for direction after, Regardless of the results. i felt this sense of serenity asking for faith & trust in His plans, rather than fretting over the results & i felt really really good after. i trust Him.
angel, congrats on the job. am super proud of you. :) *beams*
sam, im really happy that you're happy :) you'll be returning to him shortly, so dun fret over phonebills yet. heh.
jo, jacq, vic & grace thank you for partaking in super yummy dessert wine with me. :) hopefully there'll be another reason to get dressed up soon ;)
& You. you've jus been the best. thru everything :) & i appreciate everything - opening car doors, giving me & my friends rides, appeasing me when i get grumpy, waking up early so we get to share breakfast, holding my hand when i get weak, going out of your way to make sure everything's perfect for me. i love you. ¶ 12:31 AM 0 Comments
Friday, July 1
every little thing.
yes. the little things do matter. they matter to you & to me. thus i cannot be excused for my slip up.
yet i cannot change a thing. i can only try harder in the future. thank you for wanting to forgive & forget rather than brood/sulk/throw tantrums. yet the guilt and self condemnation is not gonna pass easily or quickly. i never meant to hurt you. i never want anything but the best for us. i will tread gingerly for awhile to come. may the hard get easier and the harder draw us closer my dearest. take your time to get everything out of your system. i understand & i promise to be patient. & then no more, let's move on. let's look forward to greater things.
i noe not how i can help or make amends. pray tell. i dun have the capacity or ''self-grace'' to let things slide. i can only ask from above for allowances.
thank you for your love that chooses to forgive & accept. not accuse & fault. ¶ 2:02 AM 0 Comments
yet i cannot change a thing. i can only try harder in the future. thank you for wanting to forgive & forget rather than brood/sulk/throw tantrums. yet the guilt and self condemnation is not gonna pass easily or quickly. i never meant to hurt you. i never want anything but the best for us. i will tread gingerly for awhile to come. may the hard get easier and the harder draw us closer my dearest. take your time to get everything out of your system. i understand & i promise to be patient. & then no more, let's move on. let's look forward to greater things.
i noe not how i can help or make amends. pray tell. i dun have the capacity or ''self-grace'' to let things slide. i can only ask from above for allowances.
thank you for your love that chooses to forgive & accept. not accuse & fault. ¶ 2:02 AM 0 Comments
